There's so much I need to tell you, so many things I'm not sure if I ever said. Things that should have been said. Things that you needed to hear from me. I hope it's not too late to matter, I hope I can give you some understanding of who you really are to me. Of everything that I see in you, and maybe, just maybe, you'll be willing to help me see the things I've been unable to.
Did I ever tell you how I chose your name? Remember, I was only 12 at the time, so maybe it will seem childish. I remember it was about a month before my 13th birthday when Mom told me I was getting a baby sister. It wasn't important to me whether you were a boy or girl. I had decided as soon as she told me she was pregnant, that I would take care of you. I had no faith in the authority figures/ parents/ adults. They had always let me down in one way or another. Of course, I had the perspective of a child and didn't realize that some of the disappointments were truly for the best. I just knew that I had been betrayed, lied to, abandoned, abused, ignored, and endangered.I
I made up my mind that I t would ake care of you, protect you, amd make sure things were beter in your life. I was determined that you least would have at least one person who would love you forever, and be there for you to turn .
Oops, got bit off topic, sorry, there's so much I want to say, I keep trying to say it all at once. Anyway, back to your name. There was a girl I knew at the time, she was beautiful, funny, and outgoing. She was also a good person, generous, kind, and compassionate. She had good grades, played sports, sang in choir, was involved in drama club, you get the idea. One of those all around talented, gorgeous people. I had always thought she had a cool name and when mom said I was supposed to name you, well Mark and I, I took it seriously. That name kept coming into my head, and I realized it was that she had qualities I hoped for in you. I thought maybe all that good stuff about her would be a part of that name, that those traits would be infused into it. I was hoping that I could give all that positive energy to you. So I named you after a Ciara.
I loved you from the first moment I saw you. There are things i've known from the beginning, things such as; I always knew you would be taller than me, prettier than me, more talented. I wanted these things for you. It made me proud, I just hoped I could make you proud too. I think I have failed in that. Repeatedly. It was never lack of desire on my part. I didn'T want to be screwed -up, or selfish, or an asshole. I have no excuses to offer, only the knowledge the fact that in so many ways, I was not a child, I wasn't grown yet either. I'm not looking for sympathy, just trying to help you understand. Reflecting back upon my life, I can see all the mistakes, all the times I fell short, or just gave up, laid bare. To say that I have regrets is like saying Niagra Falls is wet. While true, it misses the full scope of it. I'm sorry. For all the times I failed, for every time I was selfish, all the things I said wrong, all the right things I never said. I grew up as a pass-along kid. A child whose parents took no joy in her. I have always fought for you, because no one ever cared enough to fight for me. I wanted you to KNOW that you are loved, that you were, and still are, wanted. I wanted you to have a home, somewhere you felt like you belonged.When I was 16, and couldn't take the abuse from mom, or any of the other crap ( i'll tell you someday, I promise, but it is not for this letter) anymore, and I took off, no power on this earth could have made me come back. I was in Ohio, registering for school, with a good family. Somewhere that I could begin to finally find some peace. When mom, dad, and even grandma and grandpa asked me to return, I refused. Then CPS threatened to take you while they investigated why I had run away. I was on a plane 2 days later. It was my own personal hell, but I came running back for you. I say this so that you know that I love you. Not because I had to, but because I chose to. I also want to appologize for the last decade or so. You' ve been cheated, we both have. I didn't know how to deal with all that has happened during the couse of my life. So my mind protected itself by blocking out all of it, unfortunately that also blocked most of me out with it. I've been only a shadow of myself, so I hope you're ready to get reacquainted when I see you again. There is so much I want to show you, so manY beautiful things I want to share with you, so many fun experiences. More than anything, I want you to know absolutely, that I have always, and will always love you beyond all reason and beyond my ability to describe or explain. There's nothing, absolutely, completely, no ifs, ands, or buts, not a damned thing that could ever make me love you less, and with each passing day, I only love you more. You're my little girl, my sister,my friend and Uuco-conspirator. You are the fulfillment I hoped and dreamed for you to be. You are the answer to myprayers madE flesh. Whole and perfectly wrapPed up into one wondrous person. I take such joy a nd pride in seeing the lovely, enchanting and gifted woman you have become. That's just the tip of the ice burg but it's a start.
Did I ever tell you how I chose your name? Remember, I was only 12 at the time, so maybe it will seem childish. I remember it was about a month before my 13th birthday when Mom told me I was getting a baby sister. It wasn't important to me whether you were a boy or girl. I had decided as soon as she told me she was pregnant, that I would take care of you. I had no faith in the authority figures/ parents/ adults. They had always let me down in one way or another. Of course, I had the perspective of a child and didn't realize that some of the disappointments were truly for the best. I just knew that I had been betrayed, lied to, abandoned, abused, ignored, and endangered.I
I made up my mind that I t would ake care of you, protect you, amd make sure things were beter in your life. I was determined that you least would have at least one person who would love you forever, and be there for you to turn .
Oops, got bit off topic, sorry, there's so much I want to say, I keep trying to say it all at once. Anyway, back to your name. There was a girl I knew at the time, she was beautiful, funny, and outgoing. She was also a good person, generous, kind, and compassionate. She had good grades, played sports, sang in choir, was involved in drama club, you get the idea. One of those all around talented, gorgeous people. I had always thought she had a cool name and when mom said I was supposed to name you, well Mark and I, I took it seriously. That name kept coming into my head, and I realized it was that she had qualities I hoped for in you. I thought maybe all that good stuff about her would be a part of that name, that those traits would be infused into it. I was hoping that I could give all that positive energy to you. So I named you after a Ciara.
I loved you from the first moment I saw you. There are things i've known from the beginning, things such as; I always knew you would be taller than me, prettier than me, more talented. I wanted these things for you. It made me proud, I just hoped I could make you proud too. I think I have failed in that. Repeatedly. It was never lack of desire on my part. I didn'T want to be screwed -up, or selfish, or an asshole. I have no excuses to offer, only the knowledge the fact that in so many ways, I was not a child, I wasn't grown yet either. I'm not looking for sympathy, just trying to help you understand. Reflecting back upon my life, I can see all the mistakes, all the times I fell short, or just gave up, laid bare. To say that I have regrets is like saying Niagra Falls is wet. While true, it misses the full scope of it. I'm sorry. For all the times I failed, for every time I was selfish, all the things I said wrong, all the right things I never said. I grew up as a pass-along kid. A child whose parents took no joy in her. I have always fought for you, because no one ever cared enough to fight for me. I wanted you to KNOW that you are loved, that you were, and still are, wanted. I wanted you to have a home, somewhere you felt like you belonged.When I was 16, and couldn't take the abuse from mom, or any of the other crap ( i'll tell you someday, I promise, but it is not for this letter) anymore, and I took off, no power on this earth could have made me come back. I was in Ohio, registering for school, with a good family. Somewhere that I could begin to finally find some peace. When mom, dad, and even grandma and grandpa asked me to return, I refused. Then CPS threatened to take you while they investigated why I had run away. I was on a plane 2 days later. It was my own personal hell, but I came running back for you. I say this so that you know that I love you. Not because I had to, but because I chose to. I also want to appologize for the last decade or so. You' ve been cheated, we both have. I didn't know how to deal with all that has happened during the couse of my life. So my mind protected itself by blocking out all of it, unfortunately that also blocked most of me out with it. I've been only a shadow of myself, so I hope you're ready to get reacquainted when I see you again. There is so much I want to show you, so manY beautiful things I want to share with you, so many fun experiences. More than anything, I want you to know absolutely, that I have always, and will always love you beyond all reason and beyond my ability to describe or explain. There's nothing, absolutely, completely, no ifs, ands, or buts, not a damned thing that could ever make me love you less, and with each passing day, I only love you more. You're my little girl, my sister,my friend and Uuco-conspirator. You are the fulfillment I hoped and dreamed for you to be. You are the answer to myprayers madE flesh. Whole and perfectly wrapPed up into one wondrous person. I take such joy a nd pride in seeing the lovely, enchanting and gifted woman you have become. That's just the tip of the ice burg but it's a start.