So, apparently being TOTALLY honest with my post officers was a bad idea in regards to my mental health. I was having an off day and told them that the only thing that had made me smile all day was the thought of swan-diving off of the third tier, and I could fit through the bars. This earned me a one-way ticket to close observation, where, I had to wear the ninja turtle suit, and ended up locked in a tiny cell with a naked, meowing, masturbating, murderess, who, professed to a great fondness for bananas ( see aforementioned masturbation for clarification on why this was distressing news ). Also, said murderess is 46, looks 96, and is a good 200 lbs overweight. Needless to say, I did not sleep well. Have I mentioned that she thought I was cute? - Quit laughing, all of you, it's SO not funny - The noises coming ( no pun intended ) from this self violator ( her animal sounds were not limited to just kitties, btw ) nearly made me swear off hoohah forever. Luckily, for us all, I know alot of songs that I was happy to sing, loudly and off key. Meanwhile, the guards are dying of laughter and assuring me that they will be keeping me in mind if she's ever approved for a cellmate. - I said stop laughing, y'all are heartless - Kassie, my new roomie, thinks all of this is hysterically funny. - YOU ARE NOT FUNNY, NO MORE CHUCKLES DAMMIT - I'm quite sure that was the longest 12 hours of my life ( the grunting, the slapping, the constant meowing and sweet nothings whispered to long ago disccarded produce ). Truly, I have been punished enough. It's inhumane, and don't think I can't picture all of you reading this in between rolling on the floor hooting and taking bets on how long I would have lasted against the massively bovine masturbator. You guys suck. I have suffered as none have suffered before.
~
If nightmares weren't enough to induce nausea this morning, I decided to attempted relocating the bolted-down metal shelf with my head. The shelf flinched, but ultimately stood it's ground. Alas, with a baleful glare and unsteady legs, I finally had to admit defeat. Of course the shelf is all immature and smug about it. You know I hate losing, thus I have been sulking all morning. Still dizzy feel like I have a cheap wine hangover, but no buzz first. What a ripoff. This is on top of the fact that my neighbors kept me up til 3am, cackling like tweaked out hyenas on acid.
~
I was awakened this morning by frantic meowing. No, it wasn't a trapped kitty, it was the Mad Masturbator, sounding the alarm for wake-up and giving a detailed account of her common practices regarding cucumbers. Ah, nutjobs in love, they take great joy in assailing whatever ears are nearby with their pornographic verbal diarrhea. Did I mention she makes dolphin noises? I have suffered, I have seen and heard things to scar even the most hardened of veterans. PTSD? Oh hell yes. I'm traumatized and as God is my witness, I will NEVER break the law again! EVER!!
~
The cuckoo clock is going off again ( get it? Cuckoo? Ha!) . I guess it's time to rub one out, funny, I hadn't realized it was that late already. The slapping has resumed, and is more violent and vigorous than ever. Now shes crooning country in between yowling "YES, OH YES!!!"- I WILL. NEVER. EVER. EVER. BREAK THE LAW AGAIN.EVER!!!!- I believe I shall go cry now. Then vomit. And possibly cry some more. And who the fuck is stevie? Nevermind, I'm going to my happy place, where all the mentally unstable have taken their meds and are happily and quietly drooling on their naptime mats. Kassie is currently laughing at my terror filled hours ( I get no sympathy whatsoever) wondering whether I was to be killed then violated, or violated then killed (you can guess my preference). My would be violator is waxing eloquent on the benefits of being all buttered up (with real butter, mind) and naked. She loves being naked. Oh dear Jesus, come quickly. I'm ready for the world to end. Now please.
~
If nightmares weren't enough to induce nausea this morning, I decided to attempted relocating the bolted-down metal shelf with my head. The shelf flinched, but ultimately stood it's ground. Alas, with a baleful glare and unsteady legs, I finally had to admit defeat. Of course the shelf is all immature and smug about it. You know I hate losing, thus I have been sulking all morning. Still dizzy feel like I have a cheap wine hangover, but no buzz first. What a ripoff. This is on top of the fact that my neighbors kept me up til 3am, cackling like tweaked out hyenas on acid.
~
I was awakened this morning by frantic meowing. No, it wasn't a trapped kitty, it was the Mad Masturbator, sounding the alarm for wake-up and giving a detailed account of her common practices regarding cucumbers. Ah, nutjobs in love, they take great joy in assailing whatever ears are nearby with their pornographic verbal diarrhea. Did I mention she makes dolphin noises? I have suffered, I have seen and heard things to scar even the most hardened of veterans. PTSD? Oh hell yes. I'm traumatized and as God is my witness, I will NEVER break the law again! EVER!!
~
The cuckoo clock is going off again ( get it? Cuckoo? Ha!) . I guess it's time to rub one out, funny, I hadn't realized it was that late already. The slapping has resumed, and is more violent and vigorous than ever. Now shes crooning country in between yowling "YES, OH YES!!!"- I WILL. NEVER. EVER. EVER. BREAK THE LAW AGAIN.EVER!!!!- I believe I shall go cry now. Then vomit. And possibly cry some more. And who the fuck is stevie? Nevermind, I'm going to my happy place, where all the mentally unstable have taken their meds and are happily and quietly drooling on their naptime mats. Kassie is currently laughing at my terror filled hours ( I get no sympathy whatsoever) wondering whether I was to be killed then violated, or violated then killed (you can guess my preference). My would be violator is waxing eloquent on the benefits of being all buttered up (with real butter, mind) and naked. She loves being naked. Oh dear Jesus, come quickly. I'm ready for the world to end. Now please.