What would I say?
That for someone so intuitive, I can be quite personally dense. I should have known from the things you would say, from how harsh and unforgiving you could be. When I had to rip out my voice and bind myself in chains to make you feel secure. I never would have given up and let go, if you hadn't made it so brutally painful to stay and hold on. Why be more concerned with the material within the home than the people and their happiness? The more I sit and contemplate our life together, the more I realize, you never knew me, never understood what family is. I feel sorry for you,to coast through with only shallow ties, to only be concerned with what you desire above all else. You miss something vital, something beautiful, when you cut out generosity and a real hunger for doing things just to make another smile. Simply for the sheer joy of giving. That is certainly not all there is to a family, but it is crucial. So is grace, love, and forgiveness. For so many years I watched you go through the motions, hoping if I led by example, you would finally see. Perhaps if I had stuck to that at the end, the result would have been the same , but perhaps you would have learned. I feel as though I have failed you in that.I could never teach you, didn't even know how else to try. You underestimated the strength of my loyalty, the depth of my determination and commitment. Caring for people has never been difficult for me. Allowing them to see it, let alone how much affection I have for them, nearly impossible. Having the air of "not giving a shit", gives the appearance that it is easy to shrug it off when people kick the crap out of you. Don't we all know, appearances are everything.
What would I say?
That I'm sorry, I'm angry, I will always love you, I will never trust you. That I worry about you. I forgive you, I miss my friend, I miss my family. I wish you could really see me, I wish I could open your eyes and show you what you're doing. I wish I'd woken up sooner.
What would I say?
Probably nothing, that's all I ever say.
What would I want to say?
EVERYTHING.
That for someone so intuitive, I can be quite personally dense. I should have known from the things you would say, from how harsh and unforgiving you could be. When I had to rip out my voice and bind myself in chains to make you feel secure. I never would have given up and let go, if you hadn't made it so brutally painful to stay and hold on. Why be more concerned with the material within the home than the people and their happiness? The more I sit and contemplate our life together, the more I realize, you never knew me, never understood what family is. I feel sorry for you,to coast through with only shallow ties, to only be concerned with what you desire above all else. You miss something vital, something beautiful, when you cut out generosity and a real hunger for doing things just to make another smile. Simply for the sheer joy of giving. That is certainly not all there is to a family, but it is crucial. So is grace, love, and forgiveness. For so many years I watched you go through the motions, hoping if I led by example, you would finally see. Perhaps if I had stuck to that at the end, the result would have been the same , but perhaps you would have learned. I feel as though I have failed you in that.I could never teach you, didn't even know how else to try. You underestimated the strength of my loyalty, the depth of my determination and commitment. Caring for people has never been difficult for me. Allowing them to see it, let alone how much affection I have for them, nearly impossible. Having the air of "not giving a shit", gives the appearance that it is easy to shrug it off when people kick the crap out of you. Don't we all know, appearances are everything.
What would I say?
That I'm sorry, I'm angry, I will always love you, I will never trust you. That I worry about you. I forgive you, I miss my friend, I miss my family. I wish you could really see me, I wish I could open your eyes and show you what you're doing. I wish I'd woken up sooner.
What would I say?
Probably nothing, that's all I ever say.
What would I want to say?
EVERYTHING.